9 Alternative Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July
Date posted: Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Engage in highly French- and British-influenced activities.
At first glance, Fourth of July is a first-rate holiday, especially when compared to, say, New Year’s Eve. You get to watch fireworks without having to deal with the pressure of having to plan the most amazing night ever, as the laziness of summer heat and the overall Americanism renders everyone content to relax in a public park or friend’s backyard. And, because nothing as sappy as forced resolutions is involved, you can eat and drink as much as you want without having to get all self-conscious about the fact that you pledged to not be eating and drinking as much as you want for a very long time afterward. Plus, there’s no such thing as a formalized post-fireworks find-someone-to-kiss awkward moment. But as we have looked forward to this day of extended stupor (and this year it even breaks up the week!), we have found a few reasons why one might not want to partake in the festivities, and for these, we’ve created a list of alternatives.
Here are 9 alternative ways to celebrate the Fourth of July.
1. Watch foreign films inside all day. Rationale: You have an intense mosquito allergy combined with an allergy to DEET; a tendency to avoid social situations at all costs; an aversion to watermelon; severe vegetarianism.
2. Drink red wine. Rationale: You feel the new Miller Lite punch top cans are decidedly barbaric.
3. Play pickup soccer. Rationale: You’re fine with concussions, but you’ve become conflicted over America’s claim that it invented “real” football, seeing as how the only American footballers that put their foot on the ball are the ones everyone makes fun of. Moreover, baseball makes you sleepy.
4. Read everything Derrida wrote. Rationale: The Declaration of Independence is too difficult of a text.
5. Lobby against legalized explosives. Rationale: When was the last time you went downtown to actually see them? (And those frightening noises!)
6. Eat crepes and croissants. Rationale: Recent scientific studies commissioned by Robert Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter Jones, Jr. (R-North Carolina) have shown that these foods are slightly more patriotic than French fries.
7. Wear green, black, and orange. Rationale: Your best color scheme since the ’80s.
8. Pop in to the office. Rationale: Need to catch up on your TPS Reports.
9. Sing the “God Save the Queen.” Rationale: You find inspiration in Bob Diamond.[pinit]