Construction Literary Magazine

Fall 2020

Craigslist’s Lady in a Bottle

Craigslist’s Lady in a Bottle
Craigslist Screen Shot

Editor’s note: Twice a week, Laura Morton will comb Craigslist and offer commentary on its most preposterous ads.

Going to Craigslist for all your solutions.

One Compliment

The summer before my senior year of high school my two best friends, Ryan and Casey, moved away, and then my sister headed off to college. Since my social life quickly turned non-existent, I wrote the entire year off even before it started, and tried to hold on till graduation and the rest of my life to begin.

My dear father, like most fathers, was unable to comprehend how to deal with an emotional teenage daughter who moped around the house and spent her free time knitting and listening to “Radio Reader.” He attempted small talk, but whatever the subject, my reply was usually along the lines of “eh, it’s all kind of stupid.”

His response was always the same: to stare blankly and then give me twenty bucks.

If only Craigslist had been around then . . .

long island craigslist > jobs > et cetera jobs

Friend for Hire (Bellport)

Friend available for hire.
I can be your facebook friend, follow you on twitter, and possibly take a picture together for friendship purposes.
Friends available for HOV lane use.
Friends can make appearances at family functions or weddings.
All friends will receive high-fives as well as one compliment per friendship session.
Get a new friend to make your old friends jealous!
Fees are very negotiable.
Your friend can also help you move or do yard work but that kind of friendship costs extra.
Fr-ennemies service also available.
I also have a cat and he will be your friend for free.
• Location: Bellport
Compensation: 5$ per friendship

I could have really used a high-five in high school.

Red/Pink

When I was nineteen, I got cast in my first film. I was the lead in a short film that took place entirely on an old country road.

The director, a small crew, the other actor, and I spent a long Saturday rehearsing and scouting shots among overgrown fields and unmowed grass. It was a beautiful day in the last moments of summer.

The next morning I woke up with a belt of red welts around my middle. Huge. Disgusting. Welts.

I called my mother in frantic tears, forgetting about spending the day before in the out-of-doors, convinced the itching bumps were the early signs of a deadly disease.

My mother, a nurse, calmly asked me to describe the swollen lumps, pissing me off because she didn’t seem to comprehend that death was nigh.

Mid-sobs, a second call came in. I clicked over.

It was the director.

He said one word:

“Chiggers.”

bakersfield craigslist > community > general community

Spider bite?

I woke with a (spider?) bite 2/3 days ago. It’s very painful, red/pink, with a black dot in the middle. I’m starting to feel sick today, abdominal cramping, liquid diarrhea, nausea, weak, light headed, the pain is worse than yesterday by a lot. It’s on my butt cheek….I can hardly sit without screaming. It’s gotten bigger, harder, the pain stems out down half way down my thigh. Do you recognize what type of spider could have caused it? Pics are too difficult to take on my cell, doesnt show well. Lighting in 2 different rooms in both pics.

Stop writing an ad on Craigslist and go to an effing doctor!

A Bottle

Has anyone ever accused you of bottling up your emotions?

lexington craigslist > for sale / wanted > general for sale

lady in a bottle – $15 (winchester)

i have a lady in a bottle $15.00 or best offer xxx-xxx-xxxx no emails thanks for looking

I wonder what this lady would say if she were free . . . probably something really annoying.