Nipple Chakras and Tarot Cards
Editor’s note: Once a week, Laura Morton will use personal history to put a Craigslist ad into perspective.
Years ago, when I lived in North Carolina, I quit my job managing grants for an environmental research group and got a job at a little bookstore a block from my house. It better fit the image of life in the mountains that I wanted at the time.
Like I would have at any bookstore, I took in inventory, helped the customers, kept things organized, and ordered books. That was all fine and good, but this wasn’t a regular bookstore. Being in the mountains, and among hippies and freethinkers, this happened to be a metaphysical bookstore.
In my short tenure, I leapt into a management position, which added to my daily duties the main responsibility of interviewing psychics for jobs at the book store. We maintained a regular staff of them, and tried to have one on hand during all operating hours. When I first heard about this new task, I was, for lack of a better word, psyched. Just three months before, when I’d visited my sister in New York, a dear friend and I traipsed around Hell’s Kitchen for a good psychic reading (spoiler alert: I never found one).
The new duty began simply. We had an ongoing ad in the newspaper, and I made appointments for the potential new readers, scheduling them in our “reading room” so as to make sure not to step on the toes of our resident psychics. Most were women. Most came in either right before or right after dropping off or picking up their kids. They apologized for everything. They thanked me profusely for things like giving them a chair in which to sit.
They did not make for amazing interviews. Imagine doing job interview after job interview, but instead of discussing someone’s potential assets, they just blatantly kiss your ass. I was told that I was “bound for great things,” “had an intriguing life-story I needed to tell,” “had a tremendous sense of self,” and “was meant for better things than managing a bookstore.” I took it all in stride and, at first, loved hearing outright compliments about my “true self.”
And then Arnold arrived. He had Dwayne Wayne’s haircut and James Spader’s style, save for his extremely dirty tennis shoes. His eyes kept a piercing hold on my own. He never smiled, nodded instead of speaking, and looked like he might possibly vomit.
We went into the back “reading room,” where he proceeded to methodically takeout objects from his Guatemalan satchel. He took out a leather bound book, three marbles, a pendulum, a notebook with a missing cover, and an unsharpened pencil. Most psychics came in with Tarot cards, if that, so I was intrigued. And then it began.
Arnold opened up his leather book, which at an upside-down angle I made out to be a copy of The Old Man and the Sea. He chose a page at random and found a phrase: “He picked up a piece and put it in his mouth and chewed it slowly. It was not unpleasant.” He closed his eyes and let it sink in.
I waited. My heart raced.
With his eyes still closed, he took the pendulum and let it swing.
He opened his eyes and told me my chakras were out of alignment. “The colors aren’t as bright as they need to be, particularly your heart chakra.”
“My heart chakra?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, “the one at your nipple line.”
I hoped I had misheard him. It took me a while to find the words. “I’m sorry . . . Did you say nipple?”
“Yes, the heart chakra lands at your nipple line.” He pointed, in case I didn’t know where that fell on my person. “Right there.” I followed his finger and, indeed, my nipple line was at my nipples.
He closed his eyes again and I crossed my arms.
When he opened them, he looked at me and said, “You have a lot in your heart, but you put too much bad in your mouth, though it doesn’t seem unpleasant.”
He stared at me for a very long time and then smiled suddenly and asked, “So, how was it?”
My mouth opened to speak, but, again, no words came out. Finally, I said, “Wow. Thank you. We’ll be in touch.”
He gathered his things in almost a sing-songy way and jauntily left the shop.
Spoiler alert: he did not get the job.
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Psychic Readings (St Louis and beyond)
Psychic readings for people AND pets! In person in the Belleville, IL and St Louis area — by phone for those outside the area.
Having guests over for the holiday? I’m available for your party.
Visit my website xxxxx.com for details.
Just remember, people AND pets have nipple chakras that need care.