Construction Literary Magazine

Fall 2020

That Time I Auditioned for the Animal Threesome

That Time I Auditioned for the Animal Threesome

Photograph via Flickr by Nick Sherman

Editor’s note: Once a week, Laura Morton will use personal history to put a Craigslist ad into perspective.

The Story

I really don’t like acting, but for some reason I find myself going through this cyclical phase of actually attempting to use my (obviously well-thought-out) college degree.

One time, it was when I lived in the mountains of North Carolina. I got some stupid bee in my bonnet about the whole thing and pulled out the dusty box of headshots I’d shoved under my bed. I put together a résumé and mailed it off to every agent, theater company, upcoming audition, and production company in town—probably about seven places altogether (a slight change from my New York days).

This random act paid off.

One of the theater companies called me in to audition for its original Christmas play. I parked downtown and found my way to the basement of a church where four obviously “artistic” people sat on the floor eating burritos. When I stuck my head in the door, the director waved and invited me in.

With her salsa-covered hand, she grabbed a scene for me to read.

I picked it up, kind of anxious, kind of excited about maybe going back onstage. I pictured myself playing Jesus’s mother or some lost soul on Christmas morning.

I read, and then reread the scene, and then finally asked the director, “Is this the right script?”

The director nodded and finished chewing. “Yep. Cindy wrote it last year. It’s awesome.”

Cindy, eating chips from a greasy paper bag, waved.

I looked again. It seemed that “original” was an understatement. The part they called me in to read was: “Tammy, the over-sexed pig seeking a good lay from Carla the goat.”

I tried to see if there was a certain wit I wasn’t appreciating. But no matter how many times I read it, my stomach jumped. I couldn’t get past the threesome scene between Tammy, Carla, and Stanley the chicken.

After they finished their dinner, they asked me to read with Cindy, the auteur herself. I tried to both hide my disgust and make it obvious that it wasn’t the job for me.

Neither worked. They cast me in the role of Tammy, which, sadly, I turned down. My acting bug went back into hibernation.

Months later, I saw them on the street. In full costume, on the corner, they performed their take on Robin Hood, or as they called it, “A Retelling of That Asshole in Tights.”

Children cried.

The Ad

philadelphia craigslist > gigs > talent gigs

Auditions for BADtheatre (Northern Liberties)

AUDITIONS for BADtheatre’s first show – Absurd Christmas (and other holidays)

Email xxxxxxxx@gmail.com to RSVP

No monologues necessary; just come ready to read and play.

Seeking 3 males and 3 females of all ages and types.

The Response

Theater is an awe-inspiring art form.

But sometimes it’s not.