Construction Literary Magazine

Fall 2020

Trump-Speak at the Republican National Convention

Trump-Speak at the Republican National Convention

Photograph via CBS News

Editor’s note: This post is part XIII of the Etch A President Saga, a satirical series on the 2012 Election campaign.

“While I am not at liberty to disclose the specifics of Mr. Trump’s time at the Republican National Convention, I can say he will be playing a major role and was happy to honor Gov. Romney’s request to participate in convention events in Tampa.”

—Trump Special Counsel Michael Cohen, Aug. 9

Mitt Romney, using the web-surfing prowess of his Romney3000 programming, hacked into Donald Trump’s personal computer to get a read on the real estate mogul’s draft speech for the Republican National Convention in Tampa at the end of August. What he saw was enough to push Trump as far away from Tampa as possible. An excerpt from Trump’s speech:

I’ve said this before: What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.

Take me, for instance. I was not originally on the list to speak at this convention. So I endorsed Mitt Romney. Wasn’t enough. Then I donated to the Romney campaign. Still not enough. So I upped the ante and agreed to dine with the lucky winner of a fundraising drive for the campaign, with a tour of The Celebrity Apprentice Boardroom. He finally agreed to let me address this fine audience. I lost several battles but I won the war.

I think big.

Still, I wasn’t considered as a vice presidential running mate. I’m unsure why not. I’m not bitter. I’m bigger than that. The vice president only makes $230,700 annually. I earned $3 million per episode of my hit reality series The Apprentice.

The beauty of me is that I’m very rich. At least, that’s what I told ABC News not long ago.

I’m also too good-looking to be president. Consider this: All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. Yes, I’ve actually said that. What I’m trying to tell you: Bill Clinton isn’t the only one who enjoys a cigar.

But I will continue to stand for Republican values.

For one, I’m against gay marriage. I told the New York Times: It’s like in golf. A lot of people—I don’t want this to sound trivial—but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.

Also, I have a great relationship with the blacks. Yes, I have actually said that, too.

So I’m rallying all my black and gay friends to support my friend Mitt, who will be one of our great presidents, alongside Ronald Reagan, who I believe was one of the great presidents, period, not just recently. I thought he had the demeanor. I thought he had the bearing. I thought he had the thought process.

Yes, I have actually said that about Ronald Reagan. And yes, I know that he suffered from dementia.

Perhaps in the past I’ve said that Romney “doesn’t seem to resonate.” But honestly, compared to me, who does resonate?

And if you pledge your vote for Mitt today, I’ll even throw in a free White House ballroom at a value of $100 million. I already offered to build one to David Axelrod. He never got back to me. His loss. Mitt’s gain.

I’m going to call it: Trump House.

RNC speakers will include:

  • Florida Gov. Rick Scott
  • Sen. John McCain
  • former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
  • South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley
  • former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
  • Ohio Gov. John Kasich
  • New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez

Noticeably absent from the list:

  • former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty
  • Ohio Sen. Rob Portman, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio
  • former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush
  • Sen. Kelly Ayotte
  • Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell
  • Rep. Paul Ryan
  • Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.
  • megalomaniac Donald Trump