What Marriage Means (According to Rush Limbaugh)
Editor’s note: This post is part VI of the Etch A President Saga, a satirical series on the 2012 Election campaign.
“By the way, why is marriage called matrimony? Well, matrimony implies mater, M-a-t-e-r. Maternal. What does that mean? Woman. Means woman. Patri is father. As in patricide, kill your kids. But matrimony, ‘cause you gotta have motherhood in there.”
At a campaign fundraiser for Mitt Romney, the presumed Republican presidential candidate seeks counsel from conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. The robotic candidate, who, as previously established, is actually a cyborg operated by the Mormon Church and Bain Capital, needs to clarify his flip-flopping position on gay marriage.
“Rush, you’re resolute, unchanging, steadfast,” says Mitt Romney. “Nobody would call you an Etch A Sketch pundit. You speak your mind, no holds barred, and the base respects you for that.”
“We’ve got to do everything possible to beat Barack the Magic Negro.”
“Not my choice of words, but I agree in principle with you on many issues. I even stood by you when you called the law student Sandra Fluke a ‘slut’ for testifying in support of contraception. Some top Republican politicians were distancing themselves from you, but all I said was that ‘it wouldn’t have been my word choice.’”
“It’s pretty simple: Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.”
“Meanwhile President Obama was telephoning her personally to offer his support.”
“Like a dog in heat,” says Rush.
“Again, not the word choice I was thinking . . .”
“Like a baby to the nipple.”
“Well . . .”
“Like a Mormon to poly . . .”
“Now as I was saying,” says Mitt. “You’ve got a strong moral compass and a large group of followers. And I need your support to help make America great again.”
“Here’s some advice, to start,” says Rush. “You’ve got to be more forceful, more confident, more bombastic. You can’t be tip-toeing around your gay friends’ feelings like you were this week when it comes to the question of gay marriage, for example.”
“I’m listening, Rush.”
“It ain’t rocket science,” says Rush. “Words have to have meaning, right? Marriage comes from the Latin root marītāre, meaning ‘to provide with a husband or wife.’ That’s what the word means, end of story. We can’t go around changing definitions of words willy nilly, can we?”
“Very true,” says Mitt.
“Or take the word Lord. You’re a religious man, so you’ll know that the word derives from the Anglo-Saxon hlaford, which was composed of hlaf and weard, and means loaf-ward.”
“The Lord watches over our bread,” says Mitt. “How inspiring.”
“That’s similar in root to Lady, from the Anglo-Saxon hlaefdige, or loaf-maid. Which is why women will always belong in the kitchen, making the meals. We can’t just change the definition of Lady now, can we?”
“Umm . . .”
“Or consider assassin. The word is an evolution of hashishashin, referring to Muslims during the Crusades who murdered while under the influence of hashish. That’s why it’s okay to assassinate a Muslim, such as Osama bin Laden, because they killed so many Christians. That’s also why you shouldn’t smoke hashish. Turns you into an assassin. It’s all in the etymology, I’m not making this up.”
“I didn’t know that,” says Mitt. “There is something deadly about the marijuana plant.”
“I could go on all day. When my kids are chewing on their nails, I tell them to stop being rodents, because the word rodent comes from the Latin word rodere, meaning to gnaw. Or consider the word pacifier; it means one who appeases. And we Republicans don’t appease. We win. And that’s why pacifiers should be outlawed for children.”
“Now we can only take this so far,” says Mitt.
“Words don’t lie, Mitt, people do. Look at the word senator, from the Latin senex and related to senile. Which is why the Democratic-controlled Senate is dysfunctional, and why it’s good that the Tea Party ousted Senator Richard Lugar this week, even if he was a Republican.”
“But a Republican Senate would still be called the Senate,” says Mitt.
“Now don’t try and get all elitist with me,” says Rush. “That’s you’re problem. You think too much.”
“But then what about avocados? I believe the word comes from Aztec ahucatl, after their word for testicle.”
“Don’t eat them. Barbaric. Do you eat them, Mitt?”
“Ah, well, as I’ve stated in the past, I won’t prejudge someone’s right to eat avocados, although I personally believe that this is a decision that can only be made between a man or a woman and his or her avocado, on a state by state basis, of course.”
“Don’t tell me you also need to consult your kids for an answer,” says Rush. “A more intelligent pundit than myself has said that campaigns are not a fight over who has the best answer to a question, but rather who gets to ask the question. And don’t let the halfrican American decide the question. Because this year’s question is the economy, stupid.”