Construction Literary Magazine

Fall 2018

Where to Flee if Your Candidate Loses

Where to Flee if Your Candidate Loses

Illustrations by Andrew Heaton

In every election dating back to at least Lincoln, Americans have whined about leaving the country if their guy loses. Then they annoyingly stick around anyway. If you’re giving serious consideration to flying the coop in the event of electoral defeat, here is a helpful list of ideal retreat locations:

Social Conservatives: USA, ca. 1984

Republicans infuriated at the bleak prospects of a nation run by a potentially gay/Muslim/dancing president have limited options. Most of the countries around the globe with acceptably un-fun social policies and a suitable amount of guns are actively trying to sneak into our country. The rest have already been bombed in an effort to spread democracy.

Your best bet is to construct a time machine and return to the Reagan administration. You may be tempted to go back further, to the 1950s, or even to the founding of the republic. Be warned: however attractive they may seem, these periods will shock many GOP stalwarts whose understanding of history comes primarily through wishful thinking or Anne Coulter. In the 1980s you won’t be surprised by the Founding Fathers having syphilis or owning people. Reagan is alive and president, and the Soviet Union exists as an ominous and worthy foe.

Progressive Democrats: Abscond to Europe

Europe has everything that American liberals crave or emulate: government-provided healthcare, someone who’s not you to pay for it, and an endless supply of condescending people with funny hats.

Moving to Europe entails soul searching. Which country best suits your enlightened disposition? Some countries wear watches only for fashion purposes and do not pay taxes. Others have vampires. One of them has a thing called “lederhosen.” Choose accordingly.

Once you’ve selected your destination, make the jump! Never forget that you are a brilliant and nuanced snowflake. Literally every European country will welcome you with open arms, without any immigration controls impeding naturalization whatsoever. And the news gets better: due to government oversight and stronger regulation, Europe has suffered none of the chronic unemployment or debt crises afflicting benighted America.

Libertarians: Proceed to Somalia

Many Libertarians believe that literally anything the government can do can be better achieved through private enterprise. For instance, the police and the army could be handled through private contractors, such as Blackwater. And hospitals and elementary schools could be run for profit by private companies, such as Blackwater.

Libertarians of the anarcho-capitalist strain should consider relocating to Somalia. While it technically has a government, it’s still fresh and infantile and therefore easily toppled. It won’t matter either way once you’ve become a swashbuckling pirate. Sing sea shanties and prey on weaker vessels unfamiliar with Ayn Rand.

Green Party: Colonize The Forest Moon of Endor

The Green Party reached its zenith in 2000 when presidential candidate Ralph Nader took enough votes to spoil the election for Al Gore. For some reason no one remembers this coup (including Ralph Nader) so the party limps on as a small, high-pitched reminder to cherish and protect Mother Earth.

Things could get very bad for the Green Party if Mitt Romney is elected. What if Romney deregulates the economy enough to allow investments to create jobs? Jobs lead to carbon dioxide. Even an eco-friendly president like Barak Obama will be limited in his ability to stop a billion Chinese people from powering their cities with coal and ugly cars. The future looks bleak.

Not on Endor, though! The scenic forest moon has an indigenous population of walking teddy bears. They live in tree houses, leave adorably small carbon pawprints, and are default practitioners of the locavore movement.

The major downside is that solar power and enthusiasm can only carry a rocket so far.

Moderate Republicans: Head to New Hampshire

Moderate Republicans once roamed great swaths of the United States, grazing in suburban neighborhoods and spawning at country clubs. They have commonalities with other breeds of Republicans on economics, but are more concerned about property taxes than abolishing gays or pot smokers.

Sadly, moderate Republicans have no way of knowing if they’ve won or lost until months after the election. What if moderate New England Republican Mitt Romney is defeated by fiery knee-jerk reactionary Mitt Romney?

Since moderate Republicans have been hunted to extinction, you ought to keep your head down regardless of who wins. The Free State Project has set up shop in New Hampshire, which is quickly becoming a lightning rod for people who like foliage but despise bureaucracy. Head thither.